Also getting incredibly excited about our North Carolina trip in 12 days!!! I cannot wait to share my other home with Adam, be back in the mountains, and of course see Bette. It’s been a year since I’ve seen her and over a year since I’ve been in the mountains, both of which are much too long to be away from things that are important in your life.
Adam bought hiking shoes and if he’s going to ride a horse he’d better get to go fast. Ha, I love him.
Things I will be for sure packing:
bitch please t-shirt
riding equipment (boots, pants, helmet)
all the letters Bette ever wrote me as we were growing up
Now I just have to make a baller “North Carolina Roadtrip” playlist.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting this week, stemming from the fact that I moved back to Indiana one year ago this past weekend and that Tuesday was Rosh Hashannah, the Jewish new year and Day of Remembrance. So I’m just going to record some of my ponderings. Just a warning, this will probably be a very patchwork entry.
Time has been absolutely flying by lately. I have no idea how suddenly I’ve been home for a year, at Humpty Dumpty for a year, living in my apartment for a year, and in a happy relationship for almost a year. Sometimes I feel like camp should just be ending, like I should just be moving into that crappy apartment I rented for a few months in Raleigh, and looking for a job besides the coffeeshop. Even crazier in my mind is that it’s been two years since I moved to Raleigh in the first place. I very much miss living with Bette and Ang. That was really a pretty ridiculous and amazing year. I’m a little worried that time will continue to speed along, and what if I forget to enjoy things as they fly by?
At the end of services on Tuesday morning the president of the temple sisterhood (I think) made a few announcements. First she said, even though resolutions are not typical on the Jewish new year, this year make one. Make a resolution to thank the parents of Jewish children who might not have always been Jewish, or who still aren’t. They gave up their religion to give their children Judaism. Thank them for that. I snuck a look at my mother, who was sitting next to me, and saw tears dampening her cheeks. After services, I gave her a hug and thanked her. Sometimes I forget all that my mom has done for me in the religion department. She was raised in a very Catholic home. When she and my father, a non-practicing Jew, got married, they decided to expose their kids to both religions and let them choose. In sixth grade I told my parents I wanted to start attending Sunday school at our reform temple. (I know, what kid wants to go to Sunday school? That’s a whole other cup of tea my friends.) So I embraced Judaism and I took my family with me. My brother did not get hooked like I did, which was fine with my parents (because they are amazing and have never pushed us to do anything we didn’t want to do) but my mom and dad jumped in. They started taking basic Judasim classes together at our temple and my mother even considered converting until her parents threatened to practically disown her. So she didn’t. In the past 12 or so years she has been my biggest Jewish supporter. She helped me run a monthly after-school dinner/homework help program through my youth group IFTY, she attended services with me (and still does), she asked me to bring a mezzuzah back from Israel for the house, and she makes a damn good brisket and kugel on holidays. She even recently told me she would love to go to Israel. I’ve always been thankful that my parents gave me the choice of my religion and supported me, but I’ve never thought of being thankful for my mother and the sacrifce she made. She didn’t get to pass down her beliefs to her children. Instead she had to learn a whole new set of beliefs. I can only imagine how hard that must have been and must still be.
Wow, I actually had more to write about the arrival of aproppriate fall weather and scarves, but I’ve gotten myself into somewhat of an emotional state, so I’ll save the crunchy leaves for later.
I made the decision to start using Pandora again after a break. My stations had been playing the same songs over and over again because I hadn’t added any new music in awhile. In light of my recent music renaissance though I added two new stations and settled into an afternoon of music fun.
My first new station is all Lollapalooza music. I’d kind of zoned out until a vaguely familiar song came on. I switched to the Pandora tab on my browser and discovered a band called Ratatat playing. They’re kind of rock/electronica, instrumental. Tim, who worked at the coffee shop in Raleigh, liked them and consequently, when I worked with him, they would make it onto the playlist.
This moment is really completely insignificant, or would be except that I’ve been feeling incredibly restless or something like that lately. I’d also like to throw the word apathetic into the mix of my feelings vocabulary. I realized that being here in Indy for almost a year is the longest I’ve stayed put in one place since I went to college. While at IU I moved between Bloomington and Tuxedo. By the time May rolled around I would welcome the change of scenery and happily go running to the mountains. Once I graduated, I picked up pretty quickly, I think it was October, and moved down to Raleigh. And then of course that summer was camp again. By the time I got back to Raleigh after camp, that restless feeling bubbled up again. And it’s not like I wasn’t happy there. I really was. Anyway, that’s when I moved home. And here I am, almost a year later, not having gone anywhere. I’m really mostly happy here. I mean, my job could be better, but really, if that’s all I have to complain about, I’d say I’m doing pretty well. So why do I feel like crap?
I do not want to end up being one of those nomads who can never be happy in one place for very long. I want to settle down somewhere and make a real life.
My friend is getting ready to “pull a Julia” as she described it. She’s a recent college grad who moved back to her parents house and was working a crappy job. Next month she’s moving to a new city to live with a good friend who has an extra room in her apartment. Sound familiar? I’m incredibly jealous of her. Starting completely over and fresh in a new city is so promising. I love that feeling.
Maybe if I didn’t have so much holding me here I’d pick up and move again. That would probably be a very silly and rash decision so it’s a good thing I do have that so much in my life at the moment. He’s good at keeping me in the present and keeping me from doing ridiculously crazy shit like moving for no good reason.
I need to get rid of my itchy feet.
Only because I should be receiving my stimulus check in the mail within the next few days! I’m going to put some of it aside to use during the Lollapalooza/Hollapalooza weekend. I plan on throwing down. Plus beers are expensive at concerts.
Adam wants to move to South Carolina someday maybe. That’s so close to North Carolina that it makes me squeal like a little girl! Not that I’m planning somdays with Adam, I’m just saying, I like the possibility.
Last week I broke a lace on my left tall boot, rendering it useless. This week I broke my right half chap, rendering it also useless. No foot/legwear left to ride in. So I grudgingly went to the only tack shop in the city to buy new boot laces for the tall boots. The girl who “helped” me was the smuggest and rudest girl I’ve encountered in a while. I don’t know why I’m so surprised. That I’m better than you attitude abounds in the hunter/jumper world and it disgusts me. Anyway, the girl sold me the wrong kind of laces despite the fact that I told her they were for tall boots. They’re too damn fat to fit through the lace holes. So now I have to drive all the way back up to the north side and exchange them. Frick.
I’d like to think I’d want to be here. There is absolutely no reason why here wouldn’t be the first place I’d choose right now. I’m disgustingly happy most of the time. My friends are silly, great drinking buddies, fabulous listeners and excellent email writers. My job is fun, challenging and exciting. My apartment is covered in tiny black hairs thanks to my puppy. I’m riding again, which makes me indescribably happy. My boyfriend, when he puts his arms around me I feel completely safe and content.
OK fine, so stop rubbing it in my face, you say. Here’s the thing – if you came up to me right now and asked me that question, If you could be anywhere, where would it be – my answer would not be right here. First instinct, easy. Camp. I want to be there every single day. I want to be in the middle of summertime in the mountains with my Green Cove girls, not having showered in three days and feeling clean. Next I might say Bloomington. I miss our porch, I miss Sam and Marnie always being a room away, I miss our smelly neighbors, I miss classes and campus, I miss IUET, silly crushes, not so silly crushes, beer at 2pm, and yes even Jimmy John’s. I’d say Raleigh lastly because that’s where I found myself and I might have left a little bit of the old me there when I moved home. I want to be roommate’s with Bette again and work at the coffeeshop. I want to go to Chapel Hill for Shabbat dinner. I want to ride Clyde with Hilary. I want southern accents, Harris Teeter and sweet tea.
So what if we are never happy where we are? What if, despite everything, a little part of us longs to be somewhere else? I always thought I was lucky to have two homes, here and camp, and that’s still true. I just wonder if it’s possible to be content where you are and miss everywhere you’ve been at the same time.
i don’t think we ever grow out of our insecurities. For awhile I thought that the older we got the less we worried about what other people think of us we would be. She’ll always worry about seeing her old high school crush at a friend’s wedding, even though she’s happily married, has a house and a great job. She’ll always avoid people she knows because small talk makes her uncomfortable and she’s sure they’re laughing at her back as she walks away. It comforts me to know that I’m not the only one who is still like this.
Work might be frustrating me. I might feel invisible sometimes.
I miss North Carolina a lot these days. I am not unhappy here nor do I regret moving back. The exact opposite in fact. I’m just lucky enough to have two homes and when I am in one my heart is in the other. I also miss Bette and am not sure why she had to go so far away that I cannot reach her by cell phone. Upsetting that I cannot share random goodness with her. Email is not the same.
I recently finished the most amazing book I have ever read, Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortensen. This book literally changed my life and I beg you to read it. In fact I will buy it for you. It honestly deserves some sort of review but I’ve lent it to Sam so that will have to wait. Please at least check out the website – www.threecupsoftea.com. It is truly amazing the impact that one man can have on so many people.
I like receiving lamps, talking about taking trips and talking on the phone for at least half an hour every night I don’t see you. I could get used to this but probably shouldn’t let myself do that. Just in case. A girl’s gotta be on the defensive because you never know.
And now you must explain to me why I am up at 1:15AM on a week day. I blame the cookies.
I’ve had some very odd dreams lately. They usually include some reference to camp. Other than that, they’re pretty random. Last night, in the middle of the part of my dream where a little girl gets kidnapped by a very frightening man in a red shirt, I had dream deja vu. I literally thought, in my dream, I’ve had this very dream before. I’m not entirely sure if that’s true but it was very weird nonetheless. I woke up feeling unsettled.
This weekend has been fairly enlightening. I discovered that it’s much easier to trash talk someone to their face when they are drunk. OK, trash talk is a bit strong. Let’s go with telling someone that you really think they’re a dirtbag because of certain things they’ve done to certain friends. I also discovered that it’s easier than I thought to be friends with someone I didn’t really want to see again a short three months ago. And taking a step back as I have now makes me see clearly the reasons that we didn’t have a whole lot of contact for awhile. Funny how those things become blurry when you’re up too close to someone. I also discovered that as a girl I should apparently be defining myself as “so and so’s girlfriend”. Well, I have a few problems with this. One, and mostly, I am no one’s girlfriend. Two, and really just as mostly, if I was, I would not introduce myself as such. I happen to be my own independent person. This came about because I was at a party with people I didn’t know. I sat at a table with three other girls and we did the whole introductions thing. One looked at the girl named Erin and said “Oh, you’re Phil’s girlfriend.” Erin said yes, and oh you’re so and so’s girlfriend, right? The first girl then looked at me and asked, “Are you anyone’s girlfriend?” I replied no and thought to myself when did we start simply being someone’s girlfriend?
A continuation of the things I’ll miss about the South list
~ma’am and sir
~country songs playing at bars
~men holding doors for women
~cowboy boots and dresses/skirts
~girls tailgating in cute sundresses
i’m tan and proud as a result of hanging out at the pool for approximately 4 hours yesterday. it’ll probably fade soon. i’ve been missing taco day at camp so i made my own for dinner tonight, complete with yummy homemade guacamole. i would like to say that i’m a decent cook. next on the list: pie. without the help of renee, the pie guru, which could prove to be very difficult.
in other news i’m moving. i’m taking my sweet black and white fuzzy couch and moving back to indianapolis. i feel like a bit of a hypocrite since i spent so much time this past year talking shit about people who graduated and moved back to our home town. this is not the same though. i mean, i went out and experienced the world man. i have good reason. i got a job at a children’s magazine in marketing. i’m pretty freaking excited. except that leaving north carolina will be very sad. i love it here and am quite sure that someday i will end up in this lovely state again, preferably in the mountains. i am going to keep a running list of things i will miss about the south and nc. here’s a start.
*the mountains and the beach in one state
*perfect strangers saying smiling and saying hello in the street and me not having to worry too much about them being pervy because people are just more friendly down here
*sweet tea, which i’ve started drinking recently
*people freaking out about 2 inches of snow
i have a feeling that the next few weeks are going to be very hectic. or i will put off preparing for the move until the week before i leave, which will be the week after our trip to ithaca so even better, and then i’ll be losing my mind right before i go. yipeeee!!!!!
well i’m about to sign away yet another summer to green cove. the fifth to be exact. though last summer didn’t fully count since it was just june camp. this year though the whole summer. and i get positions of importance. bette and i are running the riding program duing june camp. that in and of it self should be interesting. and by that i mean complete insanity. during main camp i’m going to be the hillside linehead. this means that i’ll be in charge of a group of cabins of girls age 13. this line is notorious for having naked days where they run around the cabins wearing no clothes. they were once dubbed the “hookup hillsiders” in reference to their ability to get caught making out with boys in the bushes at dances. one. i do not do naked days. not even on wednesdays. two. i have no idea how to deal with 13 year olds kissing boys. i was scared of boys at 13. let’s face it, i’m still scared of boys. needless to say, it’ll be fun. of course i won’t be actually living in a cabin with girls, which means more nights out for bette and i. maybe i’ll even be social this summer. GASP!
in other news today was an absolute beach day. i can say that more realistically than i’ve ever been able to before because i now live a mere 2 hours from the beach. i could wake up and drive there tomorrow morning. it’d be a long drive but i could do it nonetheless. i must go before i leave for camp. one of the many reasons north carolina is fabulous.