i was literally about to curl up in bed and take a nap and on cue someone started cutting the grass outside my window. now, thanks to the loud motor noises, i will surely not be able to sleep. and right now all i want is to disappear into a nap for a bit. i was hoping for a refreshing weekend and it started off just that way. i think i came out the other end just as baffled and unsure as i went in. i had my first week of personal training sessions (yes the gym is sucking money out of me like it’s their job. at least i’ll be hot. um i mean in shape…) scheduled for 4:30 this week thinking that i was done with louisburg tutoring. i came home from work this afternoon, sat down on my bed and my phone rang. of course it’s never the phone call that i want, but the very opposite. etta holmes calling to ask if i can just tutor for this one last week because she’s having trouble filling my spot. and beause i’m a sucker and a pushover i say yes. so, now i have to call rodney the personal trainer and ask him if i can reschedule. and we all know how much i hate making phone calls to people i don’t really know. i’m putting it off. i need to plan out exactly what i am going to say, especially if i have to leave a voicemail. i’ve been planning out lots of conversations in my head. the other most important one i am trying to work up the courage to have. i’m just not sure it’s necessary anymore and if it is still then is it a good idea at all? i don’t want my happiness to depend on someone else and i do want to find the courage to tell that someone else how i feel.

the neighbor cats are fighting loudly below my window. not the first serenade i’ve gotten since i’ve been down here but sadly the most recent one. i’d rather it be “you’ve lost that loving feeling”.
i’ve recently felt like i’m living two days in one. the first consists of the coffee shop and i have no complaints. the second has me driving an hour there and an hour back for only two hours of actual work. this is my tutoring job and it’s a pain in my ass that will soon be gone. i spent lots of time discussing the pros and cons of this second job (mostly with myself on my drives to and from said job). i enjoy some of the kids. i liked tutoring reading. i dislike a lot of the kids. they’re disrespectful, calling me “ma’am” in a sarcastic tone, they don’t try and disrupt the class. the drive is a monumental Pain In The Ass and gas prices are going up. i just don’t feel that it’s worth my time. and i’m generally cranky whenever i think of going. so i’m done. i really hate quitting but i think my sanity and happiness are at stake.
in other news i’m afraid i’m being used. or that all parties involved are confused and unsure. ugh i’m too exhausted to be thinking about this crap (again…). it’s 10:30 and time for bed.